In the Attic of the Universe

And maybe it’s not my weekend,
But it’s gonna be my year,
And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere,

And this is my reaction, to everything I fear,
‘Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.

This is going to be a short entry, because I’m really tired of this emotionally stressful day.

Well, it had to happen. The walls had to break down someday. Remember how at the end of last year I wanted to break down the walls in 2010 to meet new people? The exact opposite happened. The more I got in touch with people, mostly online, the more I got disappointed. Thanks to this, and thanks to a whole lot of other shit, I got all these depressed feelings back again. And my family began to notice. They started asking ‘are you alright?’, ‘why are you so quiet?’. And after two weekends of ignoring everything and everyone completely, today I finally snapped when my mother came looking for me, alone in my room.

I just told her everything and I apologized for being such an uncaring jackass to the people who care about me the most: my parents and sister. The stuff I talk about on the blog here, I told my mother today. And I told my sister later too, because I’ve been the worst brother in the world for her and she doesn’t deserve that. I also cried. Everything had to get out. Everything about loneliness, finding new friends, everything. So now we can go looking for solutions together.

Some things I want changed: I want to live a healthier life. For years and years now I’ve done nothing but sitting behind desks, working at the computer. It’s starting to strain my body and I’m scared it will give up on me if I continue like this. So I need to find a gym or a sport to play, one where I don’t lose too many fat because I’m already a walking skeleton.

I also need a job. And luckily, when I looked just now, our local electronics store is looking for employees on their games department. So I’m going to call them tomorrow.

And of course, I need to break down the walls. That will be hard. I REALLY need to strain myself to care about other people, as seen in my Seven Sins post. Because then people will start caring about me again. And I might even meet new people because I won’t be such a recluse anymore.

Lastly, I need to stop thinking about what other people think of me. A large part of my insecurities comes from the fact that I always try to live up to what other people want from me. This is impossible. I need to find some kind of balance between saying ’screw you’ to everyone, and between opening myself up to new things and people.

Hm, okay, this was a little longer than I thought. I still need to write about the amazing 30 Seconds To Mars concert. And I will, once school stops being so busy. Promise!

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, and since there’s not much to blog about in my life right now, now’s a good chance to give it a go. Let’s see how I fit into the Seven Deadly Sins.

Wrath

Otherwise known as anger. This one doesn’t really apply to me, I think. I hardly ever get angry. I do get sad and disappointed, just never to a point that I have to punch things. Not much to say about this one.

Greed

Oh yes. I’m a gamer, what do you think? I need all those new games. And I need the consoles to play them on, or better PC components to get it to run. Oh, and that fancy HDTV. And I need internet, everywhere. I cannot live without it. And I want so many clothes I can wear something new everyday. I want it all, and I want it now, even if I don’t have the money for it. If I do have the money, I will buy something instead of saving. I’m a big spender.

Sloth

I’m a huge procrastinator, so yeah. When something is broke, I’ll easily buy it again instead of trying to repair it. When I have to hand in an essay and I have three weeks to do it, all of it will be done on the day before the deadline. Now, wikipedia also notes that sloth can be defined as emotional apathy. In other words, if sloth applies to me, I would just not care about anything. Yeah, that would be me too. Unless it directly concerns me, I usually don’t give a hoot. It’s not that I’m really not interested in what happens to other people, it’s just that I really am incapable of concerning about other’s people’s problems. Unless they are close friends, of course.

Envy

Hoo boy, here’s the big one. I think greed and envy go hand in hand, really. I want something and if I can’t have it, I’ll get jealous. This doesn’t strictly apply to physical things though, on the contrary. I’m envious of people who are in healthy relationships, who look good, who have lots of money to spend, who are young, who are confident, who have lots of friends, who are never alone. So yeah, envious of everything I don’t have.

Pride

I used to be proud of being a social outcast. There’s not much left of that now. Because my self-esteem has hit an All Time Low, there’s not a lot left to feel proud of.

Lust

Lust really started to come into the picture after I discovered my homosexuality. I lust after a lot of guys I see. After 22 years with just me and my hand, I feel like I’m really ready for something more. I’ll just leave it at that before I start to gross people out.

Gluttony

Not much to say about this last one. You would say that this one doesn’t apply to me at all, because I am so thin. I eat quite a lot, though. And I have midnight snacks like crazy, every night. I spend way too much cash on noodles, cheeseburgers, you name it. I don’t really see how that could be considered a sin though. Yeah, I waste a lot of food which chould feed near-death children in some backwater country, but guess what? I don’t give a shit. See Sloth.

I wonder if I’ll go to hell now.

Yeah, okay, wow. Where to begin. I have been to better concerts, but wow I had so much fun.

First of all I went with a group a people who I mostly only knew online. And of course with NJ who bought me my ticket (<3). It was a bit awkward at first because we didn’t really know what to say to one another but everything went way more smoothtly once we got to the concert building. Man, the place was packed. We were way on time and still we had to wait outside for about twenty minutes. But once inside I found a really sweet spot in the front of the stage. Together with a girl who was the girfriend of a guy in our group. The rest of the group stayed in the back for the most part, but that’s just not my thang. I hate it when there’s a wall or too much open space behind me, I want to be right into the mass of people so I can feel the energy.

I was also standing next to a cute boy. He wore eyeliner and he was having tons of fun with his girlfriends. Yeah, I should hate him for being obnoxiously loud and what not, but in truth I had so many conflicting emotions. Envy, because he looked so pretty and I can never ever look that pretty. Jealousy, because of how he spends his time with friends at such a young age. Regret, because I never had that time in my life when I was that age. Longing, because I want to be a part of a life like that…

But then the music started playing and it didn’t matter anymore. That’s the great thing about concerts. Nothing matters anymore. Complicated schoolstuff. Jobs. Relationships. Looks. Health. So many insecurities. Nothing, nothing fucking matters anymore except that the music is there. Wipes your mind completely blank of any worries. Just a constant wave of awesome energy where you don’t have to think, you just act. You do what the music wants you to do. As in a trance. It’s amazing.

Anyway, first up was Destine, a dutch band. Yeah, they were pretty good, I’ll be seeing them again at the end of the month. Mostly I just have a crush on their guitarist (guy with the white hair pictured below) and I’m so going to try and get a picture with him next time, but their music was good too.

Then, All Time Low. They started off with a bang. They played one awesome song after the next, all from their newest album which I have been playing to death lately. But then around the middle part they started to play some songs from older albums I didn’t know, and afterwards two slower songs, so I was getting a little bored. They spiced things up a bit by pulling people up who needed to dance with them on stage, but meh. But then they played ‘Weightless’ (I had been waiting to see that song live for weeks) and they did a few other songs I really liked so they finished off on a strong note. They interacted great with the audience though. At the end a lot of people were singing and dancing on stage with them. I’ve never seen that happen before. It’s also the first time I actually saw somebody throw their underwear on stage.

Somewhere during all this I was taping a song on my phone and a girl bumped into me. That made me drop my phone on the floor and the back of the case fell off. Somehow I did manage to find it in the mass of people and luckily everything still worked. The girl apologized and then told me how she got up on the stage earlier and kissed the singer. I told her I was jealous and she said ‘man, you just gotta get up there and give him a kiss! Come on!’. But eh, I didn’t have the guts for it :p

Now for some reason I also lost my t-shirt. I bought a t-shirt at the concert before it started, changed right there, and somehow managed to lose the t-shirt I was wearing before that. Oh well, I like my new one better anyway.

Then I went back home, I could easily catch my train this time. In the train, there was a girl sitting somewhere near me with her mom, I noticed she bought the same t-shirt I did. Something amazing happened here: I initiated a conversation. Yeah. I asked them what they tought of the concert. Turns out the girl was only 15 and she went to the concert with her mother as a guardian. They really enjoyed it. I shared a few concert experiences with them and well, we just talked for a while and it was really cool, they were really friendly.

And that’s about it. I’m not really tired but I do need sleep. Schoolstuff is piling up steadily. It doesn’t matter at all when I’m at a concert, but when I wake up the next day, life goes on and it does become important again. As does everything else. But let’s not discuss that now. Let me stay in this trance a little longer…

Well, so far my life as a 22 year old hasn’t been very eventful. Hence I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Some things to note though. This post will be a bit random, but oh well.

I’m pretty sure I’ve finally got my propedeuse by getting my economics grade up to 5,6 (5,5 is the minimum >_>). This is great news because now they can’t kick me out anymore. I can hardly believe it yet so I’ll hold out on celebrating until I’ve got the propedeuse in my own hands.

I had one week off because the new semester was starting and I’ve been using that week to play Mass Effect 2. Gaming is my main hobby, I don’t think I ever talk about it on my blog, but oh my god this game is amazing. Yeah, I could’ve done a ton of other things (like finding a job) in said week, but… Mass Effect 2 is just better than real life. It would be so cool if I lived in an age of space exploration, living in coexistence with aliens. And Thane Krios is sexy. Google him.

So enough about that since most people won’t care at all. Uhm, what else. Oh yeah, the new semester. We’ve got classes in a whole new building. Classrooms are almost entirely made of glass, except for the floors and ceilings. I love watching people (okay, boys, sorry I can’t help myself) so I’m very much loving it. I hope it’s not too distracting.

And I’ve met another guy on Gayromeo. He’s pretty good looking, he actually contacted me first. He’s 29 years old but he looks way younger. I’ve had him on msn for a while, but something irked me about him most of the time. I couldn;t keep a conversation going with him without him mentioning his job. He lives quite far away from me but his work is pretty close to where I live. At least, for a few days a week. So he keeps on telling me about that and eventually, yes, he ‘joked’ it would be great if he had a place somewhere in the area to sleep. I told him there he’s trying a bit too hard, after which he stopped talking to me. Yeah, this story sounds extremely similar to that of the stalker guy, but I guess it’s to be expected from dating sites.

But there’s a funny coincidence here. I found him on another gay dating site and over there he’s friends with… my neighbour. Yeah, what are the odds. I told my neighbour about this and it turns out the guy acts exactly the same way with him, flirting and complimenting but always talking about work and needing a place to sleep. I’m guessing I won’t be talking to him on msn for a while. He failed to get himself in my bed, and meanwhile he’s trying with other guys.

He wasn’t really my type anyway…

This is a follow-up to this post. I suggest you read up on it before continuing.

…

Remember? Okay, here we go.

The guy who I had arguments with on msn, the one who was still stalking his ex-boyfriend. It’s not over yet. He’s in my house.

As most of you will know I live on campus and my neighbour across the hall is also gay. We’ve been friends for some time now, I used to have a crush on him but that’s over now . Long story. Anyway, my neighbour actually signed up to gay.nl his weekend and of course he got contacted by the same guy who earlier contacted me in the same manner. Now, my neighbour knows exactly what happened between that guy and me. Still he invited him over to our house. I wasn’t in my room at the time, but if they’re developing some kind of friendship or relationship the chances are pretty big I will meet him sometime, face to face. I don’t want to. It will be awkward. My neighbour told me he wasn’t a scary guy at all, and he was quite nice and everything… but I’ve seen another side of him, when he doesn’t get his way. I just don’t want anything to do with him but for some reason he gets more and more involved in my life.

I have no idea where this is going. He’s not stalking me or anything, but I’d rather just not have anything to with him, at all, ever :/ Probably to be continued…

Tomorrow I’ll be turning 22 years old. Never before have I dreaded a birthday as much as this one.

As I probably have mentioned before: I still feel and think like a 16 year old. But tomorrow I’ll be 22. I’m sure that when I’m even way older I’ll laugh at this so hard but at the moment 22 just seems like another nail in my coffin. I don’t want to grow old and ugly (okay, uglier). I still want to have fun like a child. I’m not sure I’ll ever fit in this world full of grownups, where everything has to go the way it has been planned by society.

And what did I achieve in these past 22 years? A youth, wasted. Never had a relationship. Still in school. It feels like I have achieved nothing.

I told my parents about these feelings and my dad told me to shut up because he’s very proud of me. I’m the only person in our family who has made it this far in school. But truth be told, even school isn’t going very well at the moment. Hmm, I don’t really know where I’m going with this. It’s just the birthday blues I guess. I just wish I could stay 21 a little longer, but time doesn’t stop I’m afraid.

I’d better get some damn cool gifts. It’s my birthday after all.

No, not that kind of plug, you pervert.

I was seriously questioning my mental sanity last night. I haven’t slept at all. My body was exhausted. I was nauseous, shivering, but too scared to close my eyes to give my body rest. And it started with a plug.

What kind of plug, you ask? The kind you put in a sink so the water stays in place.  I was going to do the dishes as usual, but then it was gone. It’s always in the same place, but now it wasn’t. I searched everywhere. Now, my room is small, so it couldn’t have gone anywhere. That is when something snapped. I tried to make something rational out of all this, but my mind started spiralling out of control. Suddenly I noticed all kinds of things. Where did that beerbottle cap come from? I don’t drink beer. I don’t remember shifting my speakers. What the hell is going on? I felt unsafe. Was something playing tricks on me? Or someone? Did someone sneak in my room when I was in the bathroom to move stuff around? Is it my stalker? Is my room haunted? Are ghost trying to tell me something?

It all sounds so silly in hindsight, but I was truly freaking out.  All I wanted was the sun to come up so other people in my house would wake up, so I wouldn’t feel so alone and unsafe. I just didn’t dare to shut my computer off, was dreading turning the lights off.

Then came an angel.

I started talking to PJ, on msn. He wanted to cheer me up so he went on cam. The second he smiled, all my fears were gone. No longer was I trapped in my own room. I was fully absorbed in my computer screen. Suddenly, time started flying. We talked about nothing in particular but I had so much fun watching his antics. With every smile I died and went to heaven. Before I knew it, the darkness was gone and the sun was coming up. All the feelings of dread vanished like a kitchen sink plug. I felt so much better.

And I know, I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt myself any longer by obsessing over someone who is unreachable. He will probably read this and I don’t want to seem too much like an obsessed lunatic either. But I wonder what this feeling is then. Now, I’ve been chatting with a few gay guys who do live in the Netherlands, and it’s pretty fun to a degree. But the absolutely perfect sensation of chatting with PJ is just on a whole different level. Maybe it’s just the whole webcam thing. Or maybe it does just mean that he is the kind of guy I want, and I shouldn’t get into a real relationship too fast unless I find this same feeling with someone else close by.

When he went offline, my mind was more at ease and I went to sleep. Whenever the feelings of unsafety came back, I just remembered our chat session, his smile, and everything was okay again.

My plug is still gone though.

So fresh out of christmas break I get plummeted right back into tons of schoolwork, so this blogpost will be short. It’s two weeks till the end of the semester and I still have tons to do. I think I’m gonna make it all quite alright, except for my economics essay. I just can’t do it. I’m going to fail so hard on it. I already missed the deadline and I dread going to the teacher to tell him I’m just not good at this. Hopefully he’ll give me another week to get things done so I can find someone to help me with it.

On a more personal level… I used to have a crush on my neighbour, I told him that way back when knowing he had a boyfriend. Just to get it off my chest. Now, after two and a half years, he broke up with his boyfriend during the christmas break. I pretty much saw that coming for some time, but now it’s official. It’s funny, now all of a sudden I have a gay single friend! Aaaand I know what you’re thinking: go get him then! But nah, as weird as it sounds I just can’t imagine us being in such a relationship. We’re just good friends and I’m happy with that. I doubt he’s going to make a move on me, so we’re all good. The good thing about this is that we can go hunting for guys together now (:

And now I’m off to my schoolwork again… I could use another christmas break!

Christmas is over and everyone is getting ready for 2010. Of course this means looking back at the past year, which has been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster for me.

Of course, 2009 was the year of coming out. I still struggle with being gay on a daily basis, and I’ve been out for quite some time now! I’m so thankful everyone of my friends and family took it so well, so I didn’t have to deal with being rejected by those I love. However, it’s still an emotional battle I have been fighting mostly alone. All these new feelings, both good and bad, are still shaping me. I have grown a lot but there is a lot I still have to learn. I’m still not content with who I am and I still don’t know what to do with a lot of these inner struggles.

2009 has also been a year of being alone. I have lost a lot this year. One of my best friends moved to the other side of the planet, and although I’m really happy for him, I also really miss him. Most other friends I haven’t seen in months and I hardly talk to them anymore. The worst part is that both sides hardly care, so I don’t think those friendships will get better in 2010. I’m not making any new friends either. The bond with some of my classmates is strengthening, but that’s about it. It’s still very shallow.

But on the plus side, I made a LOT of new online contacts and these people really helped me a lot. To name a few: nick, AG, StillGlorious, Samael, Blaze, HeavyMetalHarry, and a lot of other people from the milkchat who are reading this… thanks for all the advice and the nice conversations. I love you guys.

I’ve also become much more open this year. Heck, I went to a gay bar ON MY OWN. And even though it didn’t hook me up with a boyfriend or anything, I still see it as a huge step forward for me. I’m more social and outgoing, which clashes with hardly making any new friends this year, but at least I’m trying!

And so I get ready for the new year in a terribly uneventful christmas holiday. This will probably be the last post of this year, because well, not a whole lot is happening here lately.

Oh, but do check out my new Twitter account: http://twitter.com/trancekuja33

I haven’t really used it yet but I do plan on it in 2010. I will see you all then

First things first: my computer has been hit by a pretty heavy virus. I have no idea where it came from and it’s the first virus that has struck me in years. Two days ago I was just sitting at my computer doing nothing, when AVG suddenly went haywire, everything locked up and when I wanted to reboot, it wouldn’t let me. Windows is stuck in rebooting hell, can’t even make it past the Windows logo. Not even in safe mode.

Now I was gonna reformat my computer anyway but I didn’t backup my files yet (not all of them at least), and I want them back before I install Windows again. Because my school stuff is still on there. Luckily the christmas holidays just started so I have some time to get it all back. My friend AG suggested I use Linux to get to my files. If the virus hasn’t destroyed everything, I’m pretty sure that would work. Thanks for the tip, AG <3 But for now, I’m at my parents place, on my laptop. It will take a few days before I return home to fix everything.

The virus also made me go home one day earlier. And thank God for that, because the next day it snowed. It snowed in the Netherlands! And of course, everytime it snows here (once every two years?), the entire country goes WTF. So if I went home according to plan, there would’ve been a big chance I got stuck somewhere along the way, freezing on a train station with thousands of people because the trains were out of service. But thanks to the virus, I was home early, and I spent a good part of yesterday outside in the snow. And it was great. I love snow. I wonder how long it’ll stay.