And maybe it’s not my weekend,
But it’s gonna be my year,
And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere,
And this is my reaction, to everything I fear,
‘Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.
This is going to be a short entry, because I’m really tired of this emotionally stressful day.
Well, it had to happen. The walls had to break down someday. Remember how at the end of last year I wanted to break down the walls in 2010 to meet new people? The exact opposite happened. The more I got in touch with people, mostly online, the more I got disappointed. Thanks to this, and thanks to a whole lot of other shit, I got all these depressed feelings back again. And my family began to notice. They started asking ‘are you alright?’, ‘why are you so quiet?’. And after two weekends of ignoring everything and everyone completely, today I finally snapped when my mother came looking for me, alone in my room.
I just told her everything and I apologized for being such an uncaring jackass to the people who care about me the most: my parents and sister. The stuff I talk about on the blog here, I told my mother today. And I told my sister later too, because I’ve been the worst brother in the world for her and she doesn’t deserve that. I also cried. Everything had to get out. Everything about loneliness, finding new friends, everything. So now we can go looking for solutions together.
Some things I want changed: I want to live a healthier life. For years and years now I’ve done nothing but sitting behind desks, working at the computer. It’s starting to strain my body and I’m scared it will give up on me if I continue like this. So I need to find a gym or a sport to play, one where I don’t lose too many fat because I’m already a walking skeleton.
I also need a job. And luckily, when I looked just now, our local electronics store is looking for employees on their games department. So I’m going to call them tomorrow.
And of course, I need to break down the walls. That will be hard. I REALLY need to strain myself to care about other people, as seen in my Seven Sins post. Because then people will start caring about me again. And I might even meet new people because I won’t be such a recluse anymore.
Lastly, I need to stop thinking about what other people think of me. A large part of my insecurities comes from the fact that I always try to live up to what other people want from me. This is impossible. I need to find some kind of balance between saying ’screw you’ to everyone, and between opening myself up to new things and people.
Hm, okay, this was a little longer than I thought. I still need to write about the amazing 30 Seconds To Mars concert. And I will, once school stops being so busy. Promise!

