There is one true emo kid in my school. I don’t see him often and when I do, he’s alone. I wonder if he’s lonely. I want to know more about him.
But I’m afraid to approach him. So instead I drew him in MS Paint : D
):
Wow, last week has been terrible. Let me sum it up in this (long) blogpost.
I had not one, but two people this week who wanted to have sex with me. Yeah. 21 years without anyone interested in me and suddenly there’s two people in one week. Too bad they both wanted me for the wrong reasons.
The first guy added me through blackbunny. He was straight, around my age and asked for my msn address. On msn, right off the bat, he started talking about how he was bicurious. He admitted to adding me mostly because he saw my pictures and thought I was kind of cute and he thought, maybe, I could satisfy said curiosity. He didn’t want anyone to know about his ‘might be feelings’ for men so he had this cunning plan to meet gay guys online. Well, you get the rest. I kindly told him I wasn’t into that sort of thing. Besides, I’m a virgin myself, so what could I possibly teach him? ‘The First Time’ is pretty important to me, so I’m also in no hurry to give my virginity to some random stranger who might even think, halfway through, that gay sex isn’t as much fun as he’d hoped it would be.
We’re still in touch but you can tell he doesn’t really know what to talk about after my refusal.
So, that wasn’t so bad. But here comes a guy who really scared me. Remember the gay dating site I used to contact the blond guy? I hardly use the site anymore (the guy didn’t reply back after a while), but a few days ago I suddenly got a message from a guy who happened to live three houses away from me. The sad part is, he was 27. And boy was he a flirt. We commented back and forth a little, mostly about how our internet sucks there, but every now and then he threw in a line where he was just begging for a sweet comment back. Stuff like ‘if my internet doesn’t work, I just want to lay down and cry and I want someone to give me a massage’. I didn’t respond to those things because well, he’s 27 and I have no interest in giving him a massage. I barely knew him!
Somehow I did agree in giving him my msn address. This was probably my biggest mistake, I should have let him know right there that I didn’t want a relationship with him. But yeah, I’m not that mean, so I just gave it to him thinking that maybe we could at least be friends or something. I don’t have any gay friends in real life, so… why not? On msn, the flirting continued. I told him I was going to take a shower. He asked me why I didn’t come over and take a shower with him. Why the hell would I do that, I asked him. Because it’s fun, he said. I said I was going out afterwards (a friend just called me if I wanted to come with him, so sure, why not), turns out he was going out as well, to the same pub! That was the moment I decided to tell him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him. He took it the wrong way, said ‘I thought as much’ and went offline immediately.
When I told this to a friend of mine, who is also gay, things got a bit creepy. He knew the guy (what a coincidence!) and he was quite the stalker. He was an ex-boyfriend of a friend of the friend I told this to, and yeah, he was pretty crazy. Now I got scared. I angered a stalker who was going to the same pub as me later tonight. Should I still be going? I was scared that he would follow me or something and beat me up in a dark alleyway. I know it sounds silly but at the time I was scared this could happen. Thankfully, the guy came back online and I asked him if he was mad at me. Apparently there was a misunderstanding he said, he wasn’t looking for a relationship with me. Maybe just some… touching here and there. He asked me if I thought that taking a shower with someone is the same as wanting a relationship. I told him no, but that I would take said shower only with someone I would be in a relationship with. He didn’t understand this, but thankfully agreed to not bother me anymore. He blocked me on msn and told me if he saw me in the pub, he would leave me alone.
So I went to the pub anyway but I didn’t feel at ease for one second. Even though my friends were there and I told them the whole story, I was still scared something might happen. Luckily nothing happened and I haven’t heard of him since.
Now then, the last part of this shitty week. Zits. Acne. I’m in a constant battle with acne on the lower half of my face. Once again I bought new stuff which is supposed to make it go away and of course, when you first use it, it tends to get worse. And it does. I really want to hide my face somehow, or just chop the damn thing off, I don’t know. This had better be worth it because if not, I’m just going to see a doctor. Again. I really want it gone because it affects me on all kinds of levels. Nobody thinks zits are attractive. It makes you look dirty, even though I take a shower everyday. I watch my diet, even though that shouldn’t have an effect on it. It. Just. Doesn’t. Go. Away. It makes me insanely insecure.
When or if it will finally leave me alone, I plan to get my hair cut a lot shorter so it will be easier to straighten. Right now the hair is a nice form of camouflage to hide the acne, but it’s not the hairstyle I really want.
Boy, that turned out to be quite the long blog. Here’s hoping next week will be better.
“Well lemme tell ya something, looks aint important. :’) I could even love a fat guy if he had your personality.”
“You give me false hope.”
“Who knows, you might break through my straight side.”
“But you don’t want that.”
“If it happens, it happens. :3 I don’t mind.”
Ugh, I had one of these again. Well, I’m guessing it’s only natural, before I went to sleep there was only one thing on my mind… loneliness. Longing for a boyfriend. Wallowing in self pity until I finally fall asleep, and even there I’m not safe from these thoughts.
The dream was really short. I had a crush on a gay guy who only recently started living in the same neighbourhood as me. I was walking through said neighbourhood with my friend from New Zealand and I told him about the guy. He told me I should meet up with him. Suddenly, the guy came out of his house, walked over to us, and boom… we we’re friends. There was no social awkwardness involved at all. No insecurities either. We talked, we laughed. We flirted, we touched. A moment of intense happiness. This is the feeling I’ve been wanting every time I get these lonely periods. But then, I woke up. I got yanked back into reality without a warning. Without saying goodbye. Without anything really happening. I don’t even know who the guy was. I only know he looks like someone from a Romeo and Julian commercial. Tall, slender, blond. At least it wasn’t Johan this time.
I hope this post makes any sense. I’ve literally been awake for about ten minutes now, typing this thing. Might as well write it all down, but it has seriously got to stop. This is torture.
A Blackbunny, to be exact.
I’ve been on Vampirefreaks for a while now, and I still don’t know if it’s really my thing. After the initial flood of comments, things have quieted down, and the biggest problem pops up. It’s just way too damn big. There’s way too many people on there. Besides, from the comments I’ve left on people’s profiles, only one replied back. Once. At least the cult is kind of nice. It’s not very active but I’ve already agreed to go to a concert with one of the girls and another one invited me over to help me with my hair.
But anyway, I’m a blackbunny now too. Blackbunny is similar to Vampirefreaks in that it’s a profilesite centered around the alternative lifestyle. There are two major differences though. One: it’s only for dutch people, therefore it’s much much smaller. Two: it’s main focus is on concerts and other festivities. You can add events to your calendar and check other people who go to the same gig. Which is awesome.
I’ve had a lot of comments on blackbunny already. From guys, but mostly from girls. And I still get comments daily. I’ve been chatting with a girl or three for a while now and a guy added me on msn. It’s great!
Who knows what the future will bring like this. I’m really hoping I will meet some of these people at concerts or something. The sooner, the better.
A Vampirefreak, to be exact. Yeah, that’s right. I finally gave in to it and made an account on the biggest emo/goth profile site of the world. This is the place where thousands of them swarm together, form groups, upload their pictures and rate one another. It’s one big attentionwhoring community, where everyone wants to show off how unique they are.
And yeah, it’s filled to the brim with people who think they’re oh so special. There’s a high number of profiles that say ‘I am who I am and if you don’t like it, fuck you’. I like that. I guess. I don’t know if that’s true for me. Well, it is one day, and the next day I’ll be completely occupied by what people might think of me. Oh, the contradictions.
But the reason for my account there is not to force my views on the world onto anyone who might find my profile. Or to get +10 ratings to get my rating up so I will know people will find me pretty. If that were to happen at all (spoiler: it wouldn’t). No, it is just another way of finding new people. Remember that post I made about finding emo people? Well, I’m drowning in them here. Now it’s just a matter of hooking up with them.
One of my friends, NachtElf, finally convinced me to make an account. He is in a ‘cult’, which is a group of people with their own page and forum. They’re all dutch, and the fun part is that only friends (and friends of friends like in my case) can join. I don’t really know what to think of these people yet. Most of them are girls. But they have meetings so maybe in the future I will go to one of them and get to know them better and we’ll see where it goes from there.
In my quest for an (emo) boyfriend, I did find a few profile of cute gay/bisexual guys, and I left them a comment like ‘Oh, I see you like Escape The Fate, are you going to see them this December?’ Nobody replied back yet, surprise surprise. But I told myself to not get my hopes up again. One of my new favorite sayings goes like this: ‘If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it’. So I’ll just wait for a reply and if I don’t get anything back, too bad. I’ll just find new people to comment to and hopefully, one day, somebody will make an effort back.
In other news: Happy Halloween! Now there’s a day I want to celebrate over here, in the Netherlands. But the Netherlands is too cool to dress up like ghosts, or so they think. Not fair. I want to play dress up. It would be the opportunity to go all out and be incredibly goth. But alas. Maybe next year, if I’m still involved in the Vampirefreaks scene.
And finally: YES, I AM GOING TO SEE ESCAPE THE FATE IN DECEMBER. I’m so happy somebody wanted to go with me. NJ, you’re the best. It’s gonna be awesome. The tickets are safely in my mail. Can’t wait!
I didn’t know so many emotions could be felt at the same time.
I was browsing through some of my old backed up files just now and I found some videos I didn’t even know I had. They were made by classmates and me, three years ago. Back then I was running an internship at a local television station and most of the videos are us getting ready for the big liveshow we were producing. It had multiple camera’s, a live band playing, movies made by us and there was a talkshow in between.
It was funny seeing those people again. I laughed a lot when I saw them all, it has been so long. There was that one middle-aged guy who had a relationship with one of the interns, who was a fat teen girl. Also that guy with the Elvis haircut. And the hippie guy.
And the guy who made me realize I was gay.
That was weird, seeing him again. Looking at him now, he’s not really my type anymore. I’m not usually attracted to asians. But oh, the memories. He was very short and he played a bass guitar which was bigger than himself. So cute, I remember it all. The way I felt then was so weird. The way I felt when he was standing close to me, or the few times he spoke to me. It was love, it had to be.
But yeah, those were the good emotions. Now for the bad: when I look at myself in those videos, it stings. I was so useless there. At that time I pretty much already knew that my study there wasn’t what I really wanted. I wasn’t good at it, not as good as my classmates. I got bullied for that, too.Those feelings came back to me too. Also, my looks were all over the place. It reminded me to not let my hair get cut short again, ever. I look better now, I think, that’s a plus. What the hell must those people have been thinking of me back then? I really felt like an ugly duckling.
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry or get angry when looking back at that time. It made me wonder how much I’ve grown. I’m still looking for that look that suits me perfectly. I can still be pretty useless in a lot of aspects. There’s still people in my new study who are better at it than me.
Three years have passed and I’m not much different, I’m still not what I really want to be. Still not truly happy. I wonder how much longer it will take?
A few days ago I visited one of my mates, who I haven’t seen in about a year and a half. Much to my surprise, he now owns a cat. Well, a baby kitten to be exact. And as I toyed around with it, I started thinking… I want a pet too!
Now, a cat is pretty much out of the question where I live. There’s all kinds of practical reasons why it wouldn’t work. So I looked into different kinds of pets. Stuff like reptiles never appealed to me, and bunnies are boring. Then I thought of birds.
Birds can live in a cage. They can be left alone for a few days (if they have enough food and water). They’re pretty clean animals and they can be great companions. So I looked around at the different bird species and suddenly, I found my dreambird.
I have no idea what it’s called in english, but in dutch it’s a ‘Rosé Kaketoe’, pictured at the end of this post. I mean, just look at it. It’s pretty big, it’s grey, it’s pink, it has a mohawk, it’s fabulous, it’s awesome, it’s… 1500 bucks.
Fifteen. Hundred. Bucks.
Screw that. I’ll never have that much money, living as a student without a job. So now I need to find another bird, probably a smaller one which are around oh I dunno, 30 bucks. Bleh. First I need to find out if I’m even allowed to keep pets here.
Someone asked me why I wanted a bird. If I would just go out and hang around with friends more, I wouldn’t even need a pet. It’s only filling this empty void in my life.
To them I say: look at this fucking bird. Look at it! I just want one, okay? ):
“You haven’t updated your blog in a while. That must mean things are going pretty good, yeah?”
…is what a friend of mine asked me on msn earlier today. Yeah, I guess that’s true. The past week has been incredibly busy and as such I worry a lot less. My mind is too busy with other things, and I suppose that is indeed a good thing.
And now, vacation starts. Thankfully. I still like school a lot, but it’s a bit much sometimes. I did one of the best interviews of my entire class, so I’m pretty proud of that. I’m a perfectionist, so I never like anything I do, I always find something that should have been better. That’s why, even when people tell me I did something good, I’m never quite sure how to feel. But when my teacher told me how good it was and knowing he has been in the business for 20+ years, it made me a little more aware of my own skills.
Also, I got a new phone and I LOVE it. Finally I can take pictures everywhere, and shoot videos too! It also has internet so I’ll probably be on Twitter soon too.
I’m practicing making pictures as quietly and subtely as possible. So I can maybe capture some cute guys sometime. Heh, I’m such a stalker. But it must be done. A guy in my school looks SO MUCH like one of my favorite… porn stars, I just have to get a picture of him so I can show people :p
Today, I want to be a goth. I want to powder my face as pale as possible and put black make-up around the eyes. I want to lose the glasses and put some scary contacts in. To finish it off, I want to put black lipstick on my lips. I want to put cut up fishnets around my arms and wear my long vampire coat. I want to polish my nails black and I want my pants to be black and wide and decorated with belts and zippers and spikes.
Yesterday, I wanted to be a scene kid. Cut my hair a little shorter, straighten it and dye it in black and white and red. I wanted to wear skin-tight t-shirts in all kinds of colors and I wanted to wear my striped armsocks. Get the old skinny jeans out of the closet and wear my checkerboard Vans.
Maybe tomorrow, I want to be normal. Cut my hair and let it get it’s natural color back. Wear blue jeans like everybody else and put on a t-shirt nobody will notice. Blend in with the crowd where nobody judges me by the way I dress. Maybe even wear a suit if I have want to take my role as a journalist serious. Boring, but it certainly has advantages.
What the hell am I?